I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. And when I say "lately," I mean the majority of minutes I spend awake every day. I've thought about who and what I am, and how that relates (and even contrasts) with who and what I want to be.
I am a creator. That will never change. I will write and draw until the day I die- in fact, I cannot imagine a more appropriate way to die than to do so at my desk, practicing my craft. It's not the most ideal image for many people- alone in a little box with a glowing screen in front of your face as you breathe your last, slump over, and add an infinite number of letter j's to whatever document you've been typing seems rather ignominious and unromantic. Many would rather die in nature, or surrounded by loved ones. Many would rather die doing what they love, or to die as they lived. That, of course, is exactly what I mean. For me to live is to create. I feel most connected to myself and the worlds in which I live when I am writing about them, or drawing about them, or thinking about them.
And the stark, honest truth is, I haven't been living very much lately. Before I decided I was a creator, I was a writer. And I was a writer before I even knew what that really meant. I've been scribbling in notebooks and clacking away at documents since I was nineteen years old, and while I have been drawing off and on for most of my life, it has only been within the last four years or so that I've taken a serious interest in the art. Still I have come to love it. I love learning about it and practicing it. I love seeing what other people can do and trying my hand at it.
I have a story, and it needs to be written. And I need to be the one to write it. I can only write it if I devote the time to it, and the time I need to devote to it must come from somewhere. There's a lot anyone has to give up if he or she wants to pursue the craft of writing. Sometimes that even means the subduing of one's other creative endeavors.
That isn't to say I'll stop drawing. But already there have been things that I have decided to stop drawing. Fan art has its place, and there are people who have made whole careers off it. But I have plenty of my own characters to create and flesh out and draw. With a few exceptions (there's one drawing I'm planning to do this coming June, and another project I'll be starting in the distant future), I won't be doing any more fan art. The ponies have had their day in my gallery. My own characters will find their places here eventually, once I figure out how to protect them. But if anyone here is watching me for My Little Pony art, welcome to the end of that era. If you want more of that sort of thing, watch my brother: . He has several months' worth of paintings in his Sta.sh, and I can tell you, what's coming is amazing. Although, I have a feeling that if you're watching me at all, you've probably heard of him already.
My time from now on will be mostly devoted to writing. As that is the case, I won't have much to share. And that's okay. I don't care about collecting watchers or being popular. I care about creating. So that's what I'm going to do.
It may seem like I'm wildly changing my mind since in my last entry I said I wanted to post more art more regularly. Well, I am.
I also don't have any illusions about anyone actually giving a damn about what I'm doing. This journal entry is for me. Saying it, posting it, putting it where other people can read it will hold me to a standard of accountability.
This is what I have said, and this is what I will do.
That is that.